I used to have no friends and no job

And I′d sit around with no pants on

Had no dates, got no love'Cause I still live with my grandma

And everyone treated me badly (you suck!)

City bus would drive right past me

My dog even said, "We′re over!"

He wants to see other owners

(Hey!) So I talked to a doctor

(Hey!) 'Cause I was overthinking

(Hey!) That day she quit and she recommended I just start drinking

(You got problems)

My dating profile said, "Just swipe left"

'Cause I know I′ll annoy them

Women wouldn′t even look my direction

Hey, Siri! (I have a boyfriend)

Then one day I overslept (huh?)

Woke up late like, "What the heck?" (Wait)

Checked my socials, wait a sec (what?)

Next to my name was a big blue check?

Bitch, I'm verified

Bitch, I′m verified

Bitch, I'm verified

I′m feeling tremendous

Now people clap when I finish up a sentence (yeah)

Now they build a statue to honor my existence (oh, God)

Now I got the president filling up my mentions (woo)

I don't need a chauffeur

I ain′t had a car since last October

Ever since they gave me a Nobel Prize

I don't drive 'cause the crowd carries me everywhere on their shoulders

(Hey!) They put my face on a dollar

(Hey!) I grew a few inches taller

(Hey!) Being verified is amazing

Ellen hit me up and said she wants to have my baby (I love you!)

And they tore down the Sphinx

And replaced it with my face and my social links

And they named a new species of dinosaur after me

Puff-Puffasaurus, naturally

When I hang around the Queen

She′s the one who bows to me

She′s gotta show respect

'Cause I′m the one with the big blue check

Bitch, I'm verified

Bitch, I′m verified

Bitch, I'm verified

Bitch, I′m verified

Puff-Puff, Puff-Puff! It's time to cut the grass!

No, grandma! I don't have to mow

I′m verified now!

A veggie-what? I don′t care if you eat meat or not

You get out there and cut that grass!

Ugh!