See, I don′t watch football

And I don't drink beer

I think it tastes like piss in a mugAnd it makes my stomach feel freaking weird

(It′s all that gluten from the wheat)

And I can't drive a stick shift

And I can't quote Fight Club

(I can quote Titanic, though)

And I can′t do that super-cool handshake

That guys do when they′re like

"What's up, bro?" or whatever... yea

But also I have never seen an episode of Drag Race

And I have never been a part of James Dean′s fan base

And I've been to West Hollywood

But most of the time it gives me anxiety

(Relax!)

Maybe that′s why people get confused

They're like "I just can′t quite put my finger on him"

Am I living a lie? I just do what I do

And I don't fit in this mold or that mold

And that's probably why

I′m gay

But some people think that I′m straight

Especially girls that wanna date me

It comes as such a surprise

Oh my god they're shocked

And they′re like

"Wait! How come you never told me you were gay?"

I'm like, "I don′t know, you never asked me

You're not like, ′Hey, I'm straight' when you meet someone

And I wasn′t hitting on you, I was just talking...

I swear!"

See, I′m not good with fashion

No, my opinion's wrong

(I′ve been wearing this for 3 days in a row)

So don't come to me for advice

About those wedges with that dress and that bag

I don′t know

(I have no idea)

And I've never been on a dating app

I′ll stick to that

I'm never gonna get a Grindr

But I think it's hilarious when Mariah said "I don′t know her"

See, I′ve got some gay qualities

I totally get most pop culture references

And I can tell you random shit like

Britney Spears was born December 2nd, 1981

I love P!nk, Ariana, Kacey, Nicki and Madonna

Beyoncé, Azealia, JLO, Gaga, Rihanna, and Kelly Clarkson

(GAY!)

But I can still recall 2004 American League Championship Series

That's baseball if you didn′t know

It was the Yankees vs the Red Sox

And the Yankees they were up by three

But the Red Sox came back and won four

And they advanced to the World Series

My friend was crying on the phone

And I was also pretty upset about it

So I put on Under My Skin by Avril Lavigne

Maybe that's why people get confused

They′re like, "I just can't quite put my finger on him"

Am I living a lie? I just do what I do

And I don′t fit in this mold or that mold

And that's probably why

I'm gay

But some people think that I′m straight

Especially mothers of daughters from my old neighborhood

They′re like, "You should marry him, he's so good!"

"Oh my god

My Jessica needs to marry this boy

I mean he′s sweet, sensitive, a gentleman

He's not like the other boys"

"You′re telling me if I was a few years younger I'd take him"

"Oh, you′re bad"

"Hey, where are my goddamn keys?"

"I don't know!

I mean does he not wanna get married or something?

Why doesn't he just ask her out?"

"He is shy

She′ll have to make the first move

I need a grandkid before I′m dead

Hey, you got any Menthol Lights? I'm out"

"You′re not smoking in my house

I just got new drapes!"

I guess I never said I'm gay

I figured they just knew it anyway

And I don′t feel like coming out

I'm super-duper past that stage

If you don′t know then you don't know

And that's okay

But some people know I′m gay

They′re like, "Yeah, I knew it right away"

Huh?

They're like, "From the moment you opened up your mouth I knew"

What?

I′m like, "Well, excuse me, what the fuck, fuck you!"

Okay, disclaimer

Now, look

There's nothing wrong with being gay

Obviously

It′s just kinda weird when people say

"I knew right away"

And then I get kind of embarrassed

But that's just my insecurities

And stereotypes in my own head

And then I think

Do I come off really gay?

And I flamboyant? I don′t feel like I am

Um, excuse me, what is wrong with being flamboyant?

Uh, nothing, nothing

It's just not how I perceive myself and I wonder if others...

Oh, honey, who gives a fuck about how others perceive you

If I did, I'd end up living a miserable 78 years of life

How do you know you′ll live 78 years?

It′s the average male lifespan in the United States, hunty

Oh, ok

Damn, 78 doesn't even sound like that much

Mm-mm

So you better get your life while you′ve got it

You're right

I mean, who gives a shit what anyone else thinks

Yas, bitch, live your life, girl!

I will

And my 78 years are gonna be great

Oh yeah, why′s that?

Well, because...

I don't care why people get confused

It′s fine that they can't quite put their finger on me

I'm not living a lie

I′m doing what I do

And I don′t care about this mold or that mold

And it's all right cuz I′m...

Gay

And some people knew it right away

They're like, "From the moment you opened up your mouth, I knew"

I′m like, "Well, excuse me, I don't care, that′s cool"

Cuz I'm gay

But some people think that I'm straight

Especially mothers of daughters from my old neighborhood

They′re like, "You should marry him"

Yeah, they should

I′m gay

Some people think that I'm straight

Especially girls that wanna date me

It comes as

Such a surprise oh my god they′re shocked

And they're like

"Wait! How come you never told me you were gay?"

I′m like, "I don't know, you never asked me

You′re not like, 'Hey, I'm straight′ when you meet someone

And I wasn′t hitting on you, I was just talking"