Step one!

Get everyone′s attention

A powerful, majestic startMaybe battle horn of some kind?

Step two! Drums!

There has to be drums!

It doesn't hurt if the drums are played by gorgeous topless men

It′s proven very efficient throughout the years

But, please feel free to try other alternatives

It's also proven helpful to go the exact opposite way

Use a grandmother!

Step three!

Show the viewers your country's ethnic background

By using an old traditional folklore instrument

That no one heard of before

No, no, in this case

It′s proven much more efficient to not use a young model

Go for an old man

A beard helps!

This instrument is called a Swedish kvinnaböske

A small roundish piece from the horn family

Inherited from the Vikings

Just make something up, no one will know!

Step four!

In Eurovision, nothing says winner like a violin

Trust us, bring a violin!

Step five!

The violin, the drums and the kvinnaböske

Might make it all feel a little bit old fashioned

This can easily be fixed by adding a DJ who pretends to scratch

In real life of course, this is thirty years old

But in Eurovision, it will give your number a contemporary feel

Step six, costumes!

You need to look memorable

Something that the viewers will notice

Perfect!

Step seven, the song!

Everything else might be important, but the song is essential

Let it be about something everyone can connect to

Love works

Peace is also a popular way to go

Yes, peace is good

ABBA actually won the competition

With a song about war with Waterloo

But this is not something we recommend

When you have all the pieces are gathered

Go for it and don′t look back!

Let the song begin with passion

Let the wind begin to blow

You can break the rules of fashion

And your chance to win shall grow

Look into the TV camera

So the audience can see

That you're lovable, not desperate

Smile and they will vote for me

Fill the stage with light

As dancers will join us

The expectations grow

It′s time for the chorus

Love love peace peace

Old women baking bread

Peace peace love love

And a man in a hamster wheel

Love peace peace love

Make it unforgettable

And you will be the best

And win the Eurovision Song Contest!

Now we'll go down a notch

Our hands will touch

Pretending we′re in love

It's you and me and when we change the key

We′ll give the world a show

It begins to snow

Love love peace peace

And a burning fake piano

Peace peace love love

And a Russian man on skates

Love peace peace love

It'll be incredible

And you will be the best

Love love peace peace

Party for everybody

Peace peace love love

More tricks in a hamster wheel

Love peace peace love

And we can guarantee

That you will be the best

And win the Eurovision Song Contest!

And win the Eurovision Song Contest!