It′s Wednesday

Halfway through the week

You feel weak, you can't speakAnd you wonder

If you′ll do alright

It's audition night

I hate auditioning for musicals

I hate to stand and sing what I've rehearsed

I hate auditioning for anything

But musicals, of anything, are worst

I hate the paperwork and

Hate to dance

When people sit and

Judge your every move

I forgot my headshot

And I′m wearing stupid pants

I guess you′d say today

Threw off my groove

Waiting in line till your number is read

When they call, 'forty-two′

You wish you could be dead

And as you're walking, so slow, to the door

You might trip and then slip to the floor

And then poof! You can′t dance anymore

'Cause a tendon just tore

I hate auditioning for musicals

The stress is at two thousand out of five

Directors scare me even

When they′re nice

And if they're scary, bury me alive

I hate my monologue and

Hate my song

I should've chosen anything but these

One minute′s not enough and yet

It′s much too long

I think I've lost all feeling in both knees

It′s Friday

You can't say a thing

When you hear your phone ring

And your friend′s words

Give you a heart attack

You got a call back

I hate the callbacks for a musical

Is casual or classy best to wear?

Do I get there early or just slightly late?

Wait

You wanna take my place? I think that's fair

I hate cold-readings

And my throat is raw

From singing till my vision′s slightly blurred

I need a water bottle, Tylenol, and a saw (don't ask)

Before I sing or say another word

Everyone else seems so patient

And sane

As for you

All your nerves are corroding your brain

You wonder if you are being too shy

Or nightmarish, or garish, or dry

And you finally ask yourself why

Why do I even try?

I hate the callbacks for a musical

I never know exactly what to think

I hate to stand upon a boat of hope

For when I see the list, that boat might sink

I hate my fingers

And I hate my legs, which quiver

Like a river

Lit on fire

I think I'm finally done with musicals

That′s it, I quit, I′m going to join choir

And even if you get in

You're still not safe

Think of all the things

That could possibly go wrong

Like the backing track could

Cut out in the middle of the-

Okay, that′s not funny

You're not funny

You could get terrible reviews

Or get mono - that could happen

Or you mess up all your cues

Because you could choose to slip a nap in

′Cause you're sitting in the green room

And it′s tricky to keep track there

'Cause no one's ever knowing what′s going on

When you′re back there

The show could go so poorly

That a person throws an egg

Or you do the unimaginable

And actually break a leg

So you're cast into a cast

While the cast has to master a new dance daily

But your leg in now in plaster

So you can′t move any faster

Than your garden variety snail, either that

Or you try and do a pivot turn

And fall right on your tail

But the set was not quite finished

So you landed on a nail

And-

Waitwaitwait wait. Go back, go back-

Did I say 'garden variety snail′?

Are there other varieties of snail

Besides 'garden variety′?

I don't even know why it even matters. Anyway-

What if you fail to meet a quota

Or just fall right off the stage

Or use pen whenever you wrote

A note of

Blocking on the pages

Of your script

Which the director saw

And flipped into a rage

And they're making you pay for the damages

Even though you don′t make minimum wage

And those scripts are extremely expensive

And I don′t know why

It's Saturday

The last day of the week

You feel weak, you can′t speak

'Cause you saw the list and begin to grin

You got in

Three months later

I hate cast parties after musicals

The people and the music and the food

I leave three minutes after I arrive

Even if my leaving might be rude

I hate the process of a musical

Auditions, callbacks, practices and shows

Musicals are nothing but a stressful mess

I′m quite surprised that anybody goes

To see them

Those people onstage - don't be them

If your kids want to join, please free them

Tell them no

Never audition for a show

Just don′t