Former child stars are people too

They're the same

As you and you and you

So we ask this simple question, how can it be

That you occasionally

Don't respect their dignity?

'Cause as they make their way through life

Long after the spotlights faded

There are things some of you do

That make them want to be sedated

We loved being child stars on your television

But please stop giving us crap

Or we'll have a head-on collision

Thank you for letting me in your living rooms

To entertain you before bed

But if one more person calls me Marcia

I'll bust his fucking head

She's very grateful, just like she said

But please don't call her Marcia

Or she'll bust your freaking head

Hey, I'd rather be called Marcia than Screech!

So I'm sitting alone in Arby's

I get questions that make me see red

(Hey Eddie! Where's Herman Munster?)

Well pal, for ten years he's been dead

They ask, Hey Lucy, where's J.R.?

Come on, y'all, be realistic.

One more Hey Joanie, where's Chachi and I'll go ballistic!

Our costars are not on our speed dial

So please don't ask

Or we'll take that phone and shove it

Right up your dumb fat ass

No, we don't ride in fancy limos

Private jets, they're not for us

So you may see us driving Neons

Or riding the Greyhound bus

Yeah, we live just like all of you

So don't call us losers

Or we'll punch you with so many rights

You'll be begging for lefts

And beggars can't be choosers!

I was on Teen Beat with Michael Jackson

Now he's bigger, I suppose (yeah, yeah)

Though he may be a multi-zillionaire

At least I still have my nose

At least we're not crazy

We don't sleep with chimpanzees

We don't bleach our skin

Or dangle babies from balconies

We loved being child stars on your television

But misbehave and we'll bust your head

Gee, Wally, was it something they said?

Child stars on your television

Most of us have nothing to lose

So we'll put your butt on the 5:00 news

Child stars on your television

We don't know karate but we do know crazy

We'll beat you so bad, your future will be hazy

Child stars on your television

Don't ever say, Didn't you used to be...?

Or I'll put your head through a vintage TV

Child stars on your television

Eight rehabs isn't enough

But I've done and seen the most killer stuff

Child stars on your television

You want an autograph but I'ma tell you this

Don't ask a brother when he's taking a piss

Child stars on your television

You can dance like me, you can dance like Mickey!

I'll hurt you real bad, you can take it from Kenickie

Now of course we've been kidding

This has all been in fun

We're happy you still love us, after our shows have gone

But please just follow our simple rules

Or we'll beat you like rented mules...(hah!)

We loved being child stars on your television

(Child stars)

Child stars!

(End Credits)

All right you guys, thanks for coming.

Let's skedoodle.

All right, that's seriously the end.

People in the back, beat it.

We know you left your popcorn.

That's fine. Someone will get it.

And quit pretending like you're reading the credits.

They're so small, and we're pushing them by so fast.

We don't even know who these people are.

It's some contract thing.

Who was that?

Was that one of you guys, or was that me?

That was me.

Got a little bite in it.

Come on, that's funny.