Yeah, man this year is fucking killing me

Being trapped in this fucking house, I′m losing it

Stab myself in the neck to see how quick I bleed out

That's how bored I′ve been in quarantine stuck in a fucking house

Good thing I got a pound of drugs up under the couch

If I didn't, shit I would've lost my mind by now

So bored that I stapled my own dick to the floor

Just to see what would happen, now I can′t piss anymore

So my bladder backed up and exploded up in my body

But I picked up surgery as my quarantine hobby

So I managed to tape it up and stapled it shut

And I rerouted my urethra, now I pee through my butt

"Webby, seriously dog, like what the fuck?"

My bad I′m on drugs, I'm just making this up (True)

I went MILF hunting at Whole Foods with whole plans

Hadn′t gotten laid in weeks, I was ready to go ham

Tried to fuck a cougar but settled for roast ham

And by that I mean actually fucking a roast ham

I put on a Trojan and grabbed it with both hands

And lubed that bitch up with a can of cold spam

Gave it a few thrusts, got a quick nut

'Til they called the pigs up, then I just zipped up and I ran (Skedaddle)

Now that′s a triple pork entendre

Probably got like 87 baby mommas

That's why I will always stay changing my numbers

"Who′s my dad?" Hmm nah, I'll just let 'em wonder, kinda kidding

But what′s a future with some kids in my plans

I mean our only common interest is shitting our pants and sucking on tits

And regularly having women wiping down and touching our dicks

(Yo, you bugging for this)

I went on the dark web drunk the other night

And woke up with a brand new Ukrainian wife

Gotta be honest, at first shit was pretty uncomfortable

So I loosened her up with that classic Cliff Huxtable

That′s a roofie joke, that's cool in 2020 right?

No? I′m just tryna keep it light

But it's hard to read the room, shit I got terrible sight

Can I at least make jokes about transvestites?

Or would that make me a dick? Get it? Make me a dick

And all these uptight buttholes are making me sick

I′m in the gender-neutral bathroom taking a shit

Door open, sitting there waving and shit

Like "Hi kids, do you like sirens?"

Hang around with me enough you'll see police officers and firemen

Following me driving, swerving′ til they're piling on top of each other

As I just speed away smiling

'Cause Webby′s so ridiculous, crazy as a bitter bitch

That I haven′t texted back since I gave her syphilis (Fuck you, Chris)

And gonorrhea, I ain't know I was infected

But it′s all good, at least I've been coronavirus tested

Swabbed on my dick and I went and postmarked it

Priority mail right to the Wuhan market

Pretty sure I′ll pass, I've been wearing a mask

Am I healthy on a diet, eating nothing but bats (Delicious)

On my Ozzy Osbourne, just a child of the corn

They mistook me for some kind of devil that′s in human form

'Til I bleached my red skin and I sawed off my horns

'Cause all I do is sin, take drugs and watch porn

Got a Craigslist hooker just to talk to her

Thought it would be chill but nothing could′ve been awkwarder

All I needed was someone to listen to what I said

"Get a therapist" she told me while giving me head

Yeah I got a lot of problems but I never let ′em get to me

Fart on elevators and I blame the woman next to me

All for gender equality as long as that includes a bitch

Doing my laundry and getting my dishes washed for me

Honestly I'm just motherfuckin′ kickin' up dust

Just to do it, so you can go and lick on my nuts

You can find me all high in my car getting puffed

Either there or at the dog park sniffing butts

Yeah I′m friggin' nuts, do you not get it?

Shit I always was, then you add a pandemic

When I′m locked in the crib with mad pills, free time and no chill

But fuck it, we going crazier still now here's a hook

So follow my lead and do what I do

Snort a bunch of cocaine and run around nude

Jump in the gorilla enclosure up at the zoo

Show up blackout to your work interviews

So follow my lead and say what I say

Piss off any and everybody that's in the way

Who gives a fuck? Shit, the world is ending any day

Shit, I forgot to write a last line

Fuck it