How did this happen?

Or more specifically

Please use the next

18 minutes or so

To describe

In a single rambling rant

And in the

Most confusing way possible

How you

Made this album

The more

Unnecessary details

And the more tangents

That take us

Off the main topic

The better

You win

Bonus points

For non-linear

Convoluted storytelling

Name some names

Amigo

Hey

Can you hear me

This is my voice

So

When I was young

I was

Obsessed with soccer

It was the nineties

I loved Brazil

The OG Ronaldo

Rivaldo

Roberto Carlos

I liked

Barcelona in Spain

Juventus in Italy

AJAX

Celtic

Man U

Dortmund

And there′s

A person in my family

Named Danny

And I'm not sure

Where he is today

He′s Vera's son

And we visited them once

And he showed me music

That he

Made on his computer

And it didn't mean

Anything to me

Back then

And he also

Tapped on a table

In a rhythmic way

Kind of like

The sound of

Horses running

Kind of

Sounds like this

Or you know

That sort of thing

I started

Sort of tapping

It annoyed the crap

Out of

My fourth-grade teacher

Ms. Frechette

She was

An incredible teacher

She taught me

To show and not tell

That there′s always

A better word than

Got or get

She said

I should

Join the school band

The next year

In fifth grade

And start taking

Drumming lessons with Mr. Scott

And that dude

He started me

On the snare

With that

Blue and white book

It′s called Syncopation

And he showed me

The mechanics of

Using a drum stick

And how to hold

Two heavy crash cymbals

And bang them together

And they were so heavy

And you have to

Do it on an angle

And in big bands

You save it for

The very end of the song

And Mr. Scott

He let me play

The song Rockin' Robin

On the kit in the band

It was a really fun song

Rockin′ Robin

Rock, rock

Rockin' Robin

He made me a cassette tape

And I wish I could find it

But at the end of the tape

He said that I should keep going

Keep playing

And

And then I got

Again

You shouldn′t use that word

You should say

Something else like

We found and signed up

With a drum teacher

That came to my house

And this guy

Chris

He taught me

How to play funk beats

Bossa nova

Reggaeton

Ghost notes

With the snare

And the main lesson

And this was over years

But the drummer always

Has to do what's best for the song

And one day

Yaeli′s daughter Hadas

Told my sister and I

That she won tickets to see

The Chili Peppers play

On Ellis Island

And it was for the release

Of their new album

By the Way

And she won the tickets

By calling 92.3 KRock

And we'd be on a boat

A little

Ways off the island

While they played

And we went early

And we got super lucky

We saw Flea and John

As they were boarding their ferry

To go to the soundcheck

And they were super chill

You know we only talked

To them for a second

But they were like

Do you guys wanna go

On the island

And they gave us tickets

To be on the ferry that

Goes on the island

And so the boat docks

On the island

And we ran

And we got to

The first-row

Center

And that performance

Changed my life

Sports and soccer

Were cool

But this

That feeling

You know

Let me

Let me take a step back

My grandma

She grew up in Hungary

And I don't think

She was that poor

But at some point

The war started

And they sent her to

Auschwitz

And she survived

And she′d tell us stories

That when

They had her look

Through the

Dead people′s luggage

You know

For gold or jewelry

Or money or diamonds

Or that sort of thing

Sometimes she'd

Find an apple

Or

A piece of bread

And she′d sneak it

She survived

The death march

I think that's

What it′s called

And my grandpa

He was in

The Hungarian underground

Throughout the war

And he was really smart

And throughout his life

He'd get angry at

Stupid shit

But he had

A heart of gold

And my

Other grandparents

Were here in the States

And they were poor

They were very poor

My grandma′s mom

Was institutionalized

She had mental problems

So her dad

My grandma's dad

Remarried and her stepmom

Was a real witch

And my grandpa's family

I should mention

Came here from Lithuania

And he was a sick man

He had arthritis and diabetes

But he had a dope sense of humor

And they lived through

A lot of shit

And they drove around

A movable

Portable

Merry-go-round

To make money

And later on

My grandpa

Sold cleaning supplies

Door to door

And my grandma

Ran the kitchen

At an old age home

And she also worked

At some hotel

And she′s still alive

She lives in Florida

Hi, Bubbie

And my parents

They hustled

You know

My mom studied

Chemical and environmental engineering

And she′s super practical

And logic-driven

And my dad

He hated school

But he had the ambition

Of a real mother effer

And he became

A businessman

And he's got this

Work ethic that

I always wish I had

And he′s

Funny as fuck, too

We had a game

Growing up

When the radio

Was playing

At random times

My dad would ask

Whose, whose song is this

And it was always either

The Rolling Stones

Or

The Beatles

And we had a 50-50 shot

When guessing

I kind of liked

The Beatles

Better

But I love the Stones

Too

Anyway

My parents took

Some chances

They used their brains

And

They're super kind

And they gave me love

And choices and options

But there was a limit

You know

It was the drum gear

Or a video game system

I couldn′t

It wasn't both

We couldn′t afford both

So

I chose this bright

$300

Groove Percussion kit

And I played it

In the garage

On Bogert Road

And the parts would

Break all the time

We'd have to go

To the store

And get new stuff

We'd move the drums

To the basement

In the winter

And at some point

They bought me a

Tama Swingstar kit

With Paiste 302 cymbals

And I was so pumped

And I had

A band in sixth grade

It was called Final Warning

And Mike Davenport

Is a really cool dude

He lived on the same block

And I met

A kid named Rob

In middle school

And he was

Friends with Conor

And I

Already knew Conor

From the Blackhawks

The soccer team

And as the goggle-wearing

Center on the

River Edge Rebels

And he was pretty good

And those two fuckers

Were starting a band

And they didn′t tell me

But they were testing

Two drummers

Me and another dude

And he′s a cool guy

Too

He has a studio now

In Texas

And I guess

I played simpler stuff

Maybe I was less flashy

Probably just less

Or more boring

And I guess

They liked me

So we formed

The Grand Facade

And we didn't have a singer

And we never played out

And there was

An Emo scene in Jersey

And this band Sense Fail

Had just broken out

I never saw them play

But every weekend

There was a show

At either a VFW

Or a

Knights of Columbus

Or some other place

You could rent

For real cheap

And tickets

Were five bucks

T-shirts were ten

You′d see bands like

Airkake, Decoy, Rydia

Riding Bikes, Socratic

They made it kind of big

My heroes were this band

Called Madison

And they were gonna get big

And they got signed

To Drive-Thru's imprint

Rushmore

And I′d go to the shows

And I'd study

Richie′s drumming

And he was so dope

And I'd watch their

Making of the album

Videos

When they were

Recording with Jesse Cannon

I loved that shit

And Steel Train

That's Jack Antonoff′s band

They were already

On Drive-Thru

And my first time

Seeing them was at

The Bloomfield Ave Cafe

In Montclair

And Jack and Scott

Were sharing center stage

And John wasn′t even

The drummer yet

And he's a great guy, too

And he gave me

A couple of lessons once

And Evan, the bassist

Taught my friend Rob

Some bass

And my friend Adam

Knew Jack′s family

But I never talked to Jack

He's the real

Hero of Jersey

The dude′s a genius

And one time

I was a real dick

I tried to steal

A sweatshirt

From Steel Train's

Merch bin

And if they′re listening

I'm really sorry

That happened

And I'm really happy

You caught me

I bought some stuff

Too

Different times

But anyway

Back to high school

I recorded two songs

On a PC

But then there was malware

And I still have

These nightmares

About losing control

Of the computer

And my parents

Got us another computer

I got an audio interface

And a MIDI controller

You know

POS models for sure

Latency nightmares

MIDI thing would

Lose connection

In the

Middle of the song

And I made some

Bad beats

And the only person

Who thought

I had potential

At that time

Was my

Aunt Jacqueline

She would listen

To the songs through

They were

Seven or eight minutes long

And boring as shit

But she said

I should keep making stuff

And she was so kind

And I miss her so much

Then I played

In some bands

In college

My roommate

Matt Davis

Was so supportive

Of me

And he still is

And he is the

OG Arem fan

And so was my friend Ilya

And I played drums

In a band called Spot On

With Leo

And a guy named Matt

And Leo still makes stuff

It′s really cool

And I jammed

With these guys

Brad and Shaun

They′re some

Solid ass dudes

And they're really good

And I played with

Rick in Sheep

And he put out a song

Last year that was

Not very PC

But I loved it

And I had a few

Breakdowns in college

Big manic episodes

Then

Months of depression

And it would repeat

And I had to leave school

A few times

And it was pretty shitty

And I was really evil

To a lot of people

And I lost

A bunch of

Good friends

And my sisters

Dealt with me

And I was a real prick

To them, too

But they really

Helped me when

I was sad

And my uncles

Helped me, too

And there were

Long periods of time

When

I didn′t make anything

At all

But I never sold

All my stuff

And it can get really

Sad looking at drums

Or gear that

You haven't touched

In a year

And I do want

To say that

I′m a terrible student

But I had some

Really amazing professors

Like Professor Pearson

She taught me

How to publish online

She introduced me

To WordPress

I had a professor

Named Teresa Nakra

Who made me explain

With words

What happens

In these electronic

Early electronic music

Songs like

Ligeti's Glissandi

Or maybe it was

Artikulation

I′m not sure which one

But I had to

Write a paper about it

And you should

Try doing that

That's an assignment

And this guy

Antonino Scarpati

He taught

A class about

Social Work

That taught me more

About life and people

And poverty

And humanity

Than any class

I've ever taken

And I was introduced

To this genius

Named Kuiphoff

I took a class

One summer

It was

Intro to Web Design

I think it was

The summer of 2010

I also met Nathan

And MCT in college

They taught me

How to edit writing

How to make

A logical argument

MCT′s kind of a dick now

But he still makes

Some good points

Sometimes

And Nathan′s so kind

And he and

My cousin Noah

Are my

Gold standard for ethics

So when

I have a question

I ask them

After college

I couldn't get a job

In

Journalism or publishing

It was cause

I was a shitty

Writer and editor

Dana

And not

For any other reason

So I delivered food

For this mean boss

Who paid

Four bucks an hour

Plus you got to

Keep the crappy tips

And I started

Taking guitar lessons

With Ed

At some point

And I knew

Some bar chords

But that′s about it

And he taught me

Basically everything

I know

About music theory

And the guitar

And playing inversions

And that you

Don't always have to

Play big

Loud chords

And I′ve been

Taking lessons

With him

On and off

For like ten years now

And

I still have a lot to learn

And at some point

I posted

A Craigslist ad that

I'm

Looking for collaborators

And Zach hit me up

And I jammed

With him and Mark

And it was so fun

And then

We found Angely

Through Warren

And we named the band

Zach named the band

The Holy Smokes

And this guy

Ryan recorded us

And connected us to

Alberto

To master the songs

And then when

I started working

On some of these

I was like

I should

Hit up Alberto

He′s

A knowledgeable guy

He seems chill

And he showed me

How to find new

More interesting samples

And he

Made my songs

Way better

And he

Never leaves you hanging

He's a good dude

And Tula Vera

This band in Jersey

Their singer Claire

Gave me some

Vocal lessons

But I didn't

Get too far

And I went

With the vocal samples

Here

Cause they sounded

So much better

And that band′s

Other guitarist

Dylan

Also gave me some lessons

And he was so kind

When I showed him

Some of these songs

And both of them

Are so sweet

And back to

The main point

My friend Conor

Has written

A bunch of movies

And they′re so good

And I try to help him

Make them better

And I had been working

On these songs

Separately

For a few years

And one day

It kind of clicked

That if I put them

In a certain order

They could tell a story

Why, why, why

Why do you make music

Why do I make music

When I started

It was probably

For the same reason

Most people start

I thought people

Would want

To be with me

Or sleep with me

If I was in a band

Or something like that

And for years now

Though

I think

It's more because

I love the smell

Of my own farts

And I love creating

And I love trying

To get better

And then

When it′s kind of good

It gives me that feeling

I had when

I saw the Chili Peppers

On Ellis Island

But I guess

If you're asking

Why people should listen

Or support me

Or buy my stuff

Well

I guess

My ideal goal

Is to give my parents

A bunch of money

So they can retire

And

I want them to

Retire already

Cause they

Did so much for me

And I haven′t done

That much for them

And

Music makes me feel

Such interesting emotions

My dream has always been

To make music

That affects people

The way

Rilo Kylie or

Bright Eyes affected me

Or to make something

So impactful

That you could

Listen to it

Over and over and over

Again

And it never gets old

Like that album

The Score by The Fugees

Or Bob Marley's greatest hits

The Legend album

Or the Blueprint

Or Abbey Road

Or something that

When you hear it

The first time

A song

You′re like

I need to hear that

Again right now

Like

Jason Derulo's

Want to Want Me

Or

Julia Michaels's

Issues

Or Jack′s song

I Want to Get Better

Or

Wild Wild Woman

By Your Smith

Or Forest Whitaker

By Bad Books

Do you have any regrets?

Oh yeah

Plenty

I′ve seen these music docs

And famous dudes

Look back at their lives

And they always

Say stuff like

You know

I wouldn't change anything

Not for me

Many times

I was evil

Because

I was so sure

I was right

I wish I was kinder

I wish I listened better

I paid more attention

I wish I wasn′t

Always

Waiting for

My turn to talk

Or rehearsing my joke

As other

People were talking

I wish

I was more humble

And more courteous

And less angry

And less sure

I was right

All the time

Do you have any advice

For other people

Trying to make music?

Nah, I'm just some

Idiot

From New Jersey

With zero

Success in music

Yeah

I know

But if you were

To have success

Do you have any advice?

Nah

Well

Keep going