[Produced by Rick Rubin]

[Intro]

If you're havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you, son

I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one

[Verse 1]

I've got the Rap Patrol on the gat patrol

Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed

Rap critics that say he's Money, Cash, Hoes

I'm from the hood, stupid! What type of facts are those?

If you grew up with holes in your zapatos

You'd celebrate the minute you was havin' dough

I'm like, "Fuck critics, you can kiss my whole asshole!

If you don't like my lyrics, you can press fast forward"

Got beef with radio if I don't play they show

They don't play my hits, well, I don't give a shit, so

Rap mags try and use my black ass

So advertisers can give 'em more cash for ads

Fuckers, I don't know what you take me as

Or understand the intelligence that Jay Z has

I'm from rags to riches, niggas, I ain't dumb

I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one – hit me!

[Chorus]

Ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one

If you're havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you, son

I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one – hit me!

[Verse 2]

The year is '94, in my trunk is raw

In my rearview mirror is the motherfuckin' law

Got two choices, y'all: pull over the car or

Bounce on the devil, put the pedal to the floor

And I ain't tryin' to see no highway chase with Jake

Plus I got a few dollars, I can fight the case

So I pull over to the side of the road

I heard, "Son, do you know why I'm stopping you for?"

"'Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low?

Do I look like a mind reader, sir? I don't know

Am I under arrest or should I guess some more?"

"Well, you was doing fifty-five in a fifty-four

License and registration and step out of the car

Are you carrying a weapon on you? I know a lot of you are"

I ain't steppin' out of shit, all my paper's legit

"Well, do you mind if I look around the car a little bit?"

Well, my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back

And I know my rights, so you gon' need a warrant for that

"Aren't you sharp as a tack?

You some type of lawyer or something?

Somebody important or something?"

Well, I ain't passed the bar, but I know a little bit

Enough that you won't illegally search my shit

"Well, we'll see how smart you are when the K9 come!"

I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one – hit me!

[Chorus]

Ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one

If you're havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you, son

I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one – hit me!

Ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one

If you're havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you, son

I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one

[Verse 3]

Now once upon a time not too long ago

A nigga like myself had to strong-arm a ho

This is not a ho in the sense of havin' a pussy

But a pussy havin' no goddamn sense, try and push me

I try to ignore him, talk to the Lord

Pray for him, but some fools just love to perform

You know the type, loud as a motorbike

But wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight

And only thing that's gon' happen is I'ma get to clappin'

And he and his boys gonna be yappin' to the Captain

And there I go, trapped in the Kit-Kat again

Back through the system with the riff-raff again

Fiends on the floor, scratchin' again

Paparazzis with they cameras, snappin' 'em

D.A. try to give a nigga shaft again

Half a mil' for bail 'cause I'm African

All because this fool was harassin' them

Tryin' to play the boy like he's saccharine

But ain't nothin' sweet 'bout how I hold my gun

I got ninety-nine problems, bein' a bitch ain't one – hit me!

[Chorus]

Ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one

If you're havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you, son

I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one – hit me!

[Outro]

You crazy for this one, Rick

It's your boy