Aquarius

There′s travel in your future

When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding busFill that void in your pathetic life

By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the dance

No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless

When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find true happiness

What you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up

Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That′s your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That′s your horoscope for today (that′s your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today (that′s your horoscope for today)

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined

Once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble

When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer, the position of Jupiter says that

You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt

And staple it to your bosses face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding

Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you

Expect a big surprise today

When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That′s your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That′s your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That′s your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that

The relative position of the planets and the stars

Could have a special deep significance or meaning

That exclusively applies to only you

But, let me give you my assurance that

These forecasts and predictions are all based on

Solid, scientific, documented evidence

So you would have to be some kind of moron

Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true

Where was I?

Libra

A big promotion is just around

The corner for someone much more talented than you

Laughter is the very best medicine

Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio, get ready for an

Unexpected trip

When you fall screaming from an open window

Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)

Take down all those naked pictures of

Ernest Borgnine, you′ve got hanging in your den

Capricorn

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person

But, you know they′re lying

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows

And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

That′s your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That′s your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That′s your horoscope for today

That′s your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That′s your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (yay, yay, yay, yay, yay)

That′s your horoscope for today