Everybody shut up

Everyone listen up (hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey)

If you can′t write in the proper way

If you don't know how to conjugate

Maybe you flunked that class

And maybe now you find

That people mock you online (everybody wise up)

Okay now here′s the deal, I'll try to educate ya

Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature

You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions

Literacy′s your mission

And that′s why I think it's a good time

To learn some grammar (what)

Now did I stammer?

Work on that grammar

You should know when it′s less or it's fewer

Like people who were

Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes

Like I could care less

That means you do care

At least a little

Don′t be a moron

You'd better slow down and use the right pronoun

Show the world you′re no clown (everybody wise up)

Say you got an I-T followed by apostrophe S

Now, what does that mean?

You would not use "it's" in this case as a possessive (no, no, no)

It's a contraction (yeah, yeah, yeah)

What′s a contraction?

"Well, it′s the shortening of a word

Or group of words by omission of a sound or letter"

Okay now, here's some notes

Syntax you′re always manglin'

No "x" in espresso

Your participle′s danglin'

But I don′t want your drama

If you really wanna, leave out that Oxford comma

Just keep in mind that be, see, are, you

Are words, not letters

Get it together, use your spell checker

You should never

Write words using numbers

Unless you're seven, or your name is Prince

I hate these word crimes

You really need a full-time proofreader

You dumb mouth-breather

Well, you should hire

Some cunning linguist

To help you distinguish what is proper English (everybody wise up)

One thing I ask of you

The time to learn your homophones is past due

Learn to diagram a sentence too

Always say "to whom"; don't ever say "to who"

And listen up when I tell you this

I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis

You finished second grade; I hope you can tell

If you′re doing good or doing well (everybody wise up)

Better figure out the difference

Irony is not coincidence

And I thought that you′d gotten it through your skull

'Bout what′s figurative and what's literal

Oh, but just now (just now) you said (you said)

You "literally couldn′t get out of bed" (what)

That really makes me wanna literally

Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail (yeah, yeah)

It's quite apparent your grammar′s errant

You're incoherent

Saw your blog post (hey, hey)

It's really fantastic

That was sarcastic (aw psych!) ′cause you write like a spastic

I hate these word crimes (everybody wise up)

Your prose is dopey

Think you should only write in emoji

Oh, you′re a lost cause

Go back to pre-school, get out of the gene pool

Try your best to not drool

Never mind, I give up

Really now, I give up

(Hey-hey-hey)

(Hey-hey-hey)

(Go away)